According to siblings Kathy Petras and Ross Petras, both experts in communication and language and authors of the bestseller You’re Saying It Wrong (Ten Speed Press, 2016), “manipulators know what to say and when to say it so that you believe what they want.”
They also noted that “once you recognize the patterns, it becomes much easier to spot them—the key is to read or listen between the lines of phrases that sound kind but aren’t at all.”
In this way, they listed the most common phrases used by manipulative people, warning that they “seek to gain a personal benefit, whether they are your partner, a friend, or even family.”
1. “We have each other. We don’t need anyone else.”
“By presenting the relationship as exclusive, the manipulator creates distance between you and the people who could offer you a different perspective, making you more dependent on them,” the Petras siblings said. They also explain that this phrase is often introduced subtly at the beginning of a good relationship with the aim of isolating you from your close circle
2. “I don’t think other people have your best interests at heart like I do.”
Although it may seem like they want to help you, manipulators tend to use this kind of message to create a false sense of concern. The Petras siblings warn that “manipulators want you to ignore what others say so that you only listen to them as the sole holders of the truth.”
3. “You’re the only person for me. I’m only telling you this because I care about you so much.”
“You may think they appreciate you, but in reality they’re manipulating you into agreeing with someone who is setting a trap. As a result, your self-esteem begins to suffer,” the experts say.
4. “I’m really sorry you’re upset, but…”
After an argument or disagreement, manipulators tend to offer supposedly genuine apologies, but in reality they are meant to justify their actions or implicitly criticize you. In this way, the blame shifts to you for getting upset.
“It’s a combination of trivialization and psychological manipulation,” in which they implicitly say “that your feelings don’t matter and aren’t valid,” the Petras siblings state.
5. “I know we’ve only known each other for a short time, but what we have is real.”
“At first, it feels flattering. Over time, it often turns into control. The same person who idealizes you may later use that dynamic to undermine your confidence. It’s a classic power struggle,” the experts explain, because what seems beautiful is actually a way to gain influence over the other person.
6. “Are you really okay? I’m worried about you. You seem distracted lately.”
“This is a key aspect of manipulation and often one of the hardest to detect,” they warn, because these phrases are actually meant to make you question your own reality and make it seem like “you’re not thinking clearly,” the experts explain.
7. “Do you really want to do that? How sure are you? Well, do whatever you want.”
Although they may say in the moment that “it’s fine whatever decision you made,” manipulators tend to bring these situations up later to reproach you, for their own benefit and at the expense of the other person’s well-being. “A statement that seems so benevolent can be the opposite. They often use phrases like this when they haven’t gotten what they wanted, when you don’t play along,” the Petras siblings explain.
Have you ever been told any of these?